 March 12th, 2001 WARNING!! - The following program contains scenes of unedited vulgarity, and mature content. The HWF, Shawn Collins or any of his guests are not responsible for any disturbing images or comments you may be viewing or hearing. Please be advised that by continuing to watch this program, you are agreeing to this statement. Please also be advised that by continuing to watch this program, you are confessing to the world that you have been castrated 3 times, lived in a box for half your childhood, and ate elephant eggs for breakfast yesterday. Yes – ELEPHANT EGGS. So even if you are a three headed, homosexual, blind, disfigured, fire-breathing monkey... please enjoy the show, and don’t sue me... cause I’m beautiful! Commissioner’s Corner – Downtown Toronto, CC HQ – Monday, March 12, 2001. [The lights in CC Headquarters all go out as the show starts. Even the ‘On Air’ signals have gone out. The beginning soft notes of ‘Clubbed To Death’ by Rob D begin to play. The sound of thunder is heard, and then the ominous voice: “YOU GET ME CLOSER TO GOD!” ‘Clubbed To Death’ hits its climax, and the lights come on. Shawn Collins is sitting in his desk, wearing a gray suit. He waves his hand to his Torontonian audience, and smiles.] Shawn: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, to Commissioner’s Corner! Today, I’m going to announce another 3. YES 3! matches for Seven in 2 weeks. Speaking of Seven... there’s been a website in the works for the pay per view at hwfppvs.tripod.com, and it’s near completion. Check it out for your Seven updates, and results at the ppv! Now, onto a few match updates: the Canadian champion, Kyle Corman, will have to defend his title against Chris Styles, Jack Daddy and... Lost Soul! David Zakin has joined the ranks in the Smackdown match for Tempest’s title for after what happened on Suicide. And the tag team title match will pit the Teen Angst against The Wrecking Crew. Unless Chris Thrilla defeats Billy Williams that is... That’s all the updates FOR now... we’ll be back after this break. [Commercials.] Shawn: It seems as if we have a phone call tonight. Wow! Hello? Who's there? Silky: It's the one, the only, Sir Psycho Sexy Silky Palms. Shawn: It's my good friend Silky! And what do I owe to this phone call? Silky: Hey, there Shawn... well, I whish I could tell you I was just makin' a booty call, but this is actually business.... Shawn: Oh yeah? What's up man? Need me to be a special guest ref? Want to use some of Dildo's services? Silky: Heh, as temptin' as that all sounds, my compadre, I actually need you to hook me up a bit. You saw that shit went down between ‘The Forgotten Backstreet Boy’ Chris Davison and me, right? Shawn: Yeah... I made the match, remember? What do you need? I can arrange for him to get hit by an electric chair! You want that? Silky: Heh... I knew you had my back, ever since that screw job on Trey... Well, Super Pimp #2... I got his hat-to-the-back ass at Seven... And doubtless, the Silk Sensation will run wild on him, to the thrills and chills of all in attendance.... but I just don't think that's gonna be good enough. Shawn: Hmmm... I can arrange a Final Solution match if that's what you're looking for! That's a killer! Silky: Yeha, that is a good one, but I wanna hit him where it hurts, and get somethin' I been after for awhile in the process.... Shawn: Can I take a gander at that? Silky: Go ahead... bein' a fellow ladies man, I'm sure you already read my mind... Shawn: We all know you want his fiancé, Tempest. Silky: Yeah... Shawn: So, what do you want from ME? Silky: I want you to be the 'Justice of the Piece (of ass)' of sorts... and give me a 'Kiss the Bride' match at Seven, with Tempest as the prize. Shawn: Prize? What do you mean "Prize"? Silky: I win that match... I climb into her little cage, and wrap my sweet, sweet lips around hers.... and she's mine. Body and soul. She'd be contractually bound to me, as my valet. Among other things, if you catch my drift? Shawn: I think I do, Silkmaster... and you know what? You're proposal is quite the ratings-getter. And I like it. In fact, I like it so much... that I'm going to take into strict advisement. Silky: You do that, Shawn. And while you're at it... the Kiss the Bride is really a throw back to the old SWF... normally it's a three-way match... well, when I came up with this, chatting with Bisc, I originally envisioned Kyle Solomon joining me and Davison, but as you can see by his recent record, Kyle hardly holds a flame to even "N'stink' Davison, so I think someone else... somebody I STILL owe a beating to... Night Stalker would be a perfect addition to the match. Shawn: Stalker, huh? One of Tempest's rivals too. He'd have a ball with her in his corner. I think... that guy freaks me out! But, sure my man. I'll take it under advisement! Silky: You're a genius Shawn... Where would the HWF be without you? Shawn: Headlining Chris Goings and Justin Storm in go-nowhere matches. How do you like THAT one? Ha HAH! Silky: Hah... Well, buddy, I got things to see and people to do, so you take care! Keep your pimp hand strong and heavy! Shawn: You too man... Keep your pimp head out of unchartered territories! Ummm... Yeah... Right! See you later, Silky. Silky: Heh... Later! [Commercials.] Shawn: Please welcome out guest tonight - Jonathan Storm! [The sounds of "Between Angels and Insects" by Papa Roach begins to play as Jonathan Storm walks out alone and angry. Dressed in an Anaheim Mighty Ducks cap, a backwards Arizona Diamondbacks cap, and some baggy black cargos, he stops right in front of Collins' desk.] Storm: What the f*ck do you think you're doing, inviting me out here? You cost me my Canadian Title! Shawn: Cost you your title? I was doing my job! What are you talking about? Storm: You, and every damn moron in this room saw me pin Corman with my Bittersweet Symphony, but then you scheduled me for an impromptu rematch! I had him beaten fair and square! Shawn: But the ref didn't make the count! You did! Storm: You know I had Corman beat though...but because of you Lance Sterling SCREWED ME! What type of friend are you supposed to be? I mean, I do you and Bisc a favour by crushing Michael Trey with Phoenix two weeks ago, and you go and let them take my title from me! Shawn: I did no such thing! Remember the guy who cost you your title! He was standing at the entranceway! Lost Soul cost you your title! [Storm gets immensely aggravated at this comment...as he begins to grit his teeth. He finally speaks.] Storm: Don't mention him again. Shawn: What do you mean? He DID cost you the match! Storm: The Lost Soul is a whole other can of worms, Shawn. You made that impromptu match, he just...I don't want to talk about it, 'kay? Shawn: Well... who was that girl he was with? You looked pretty shocked! That's why you couldn't beat Corman, right? Storm: I said I don't want to talk about Lost Soul and Serena, aight? [He winces mentioning that last name.] Shawn: Serena? Storm: Don't bring her into this, Collins...this is about myself and The Lost Soul, not myself and Serena. Shawn: I thought you didn't want to talk about Lost Soul?! Storm: I don't want to talk about either. I want to talk about Seven...where I'm going to get my chance to finally end Lance Sterling's career. Shawn: What do you think about the handicap match? Storm: What do I think? I think that Ryko and I are going to finally get rid of Lance Sterling once and for all. I don't give a damn about anywhere he's been, or even where he is now. All I know is where he's going...and he's going to the infirmary. Shawn: You seem pretty confidant... Storm: Confident? Damn straight, Shawn. I've beaten Sterling TWICE, and the whole world's seen it. Shawn: Yah... but you see... I've never seen Sterling so angry before. Never! Storm: That doesn't matter, Shawn. All that matters is that he's still the same Lance Sterling. Still overconfident, still terrible at wrestling, and still the same piece of genetic trash that I pinned at Holiday Hangover. Shawn: I don't know about that Jon... at HH3 he wasn't so enraged, and at HH3 - you broke his pride... you broke his confidence. He's out to get that back, and you're in his way. Hey, I'm all for you kicking the shit out of him... but you gotta be careful! Storm: I don't need to be careful...I just need to go in there and hand his ass to him on a platter. Once that's done, everyone will understand that I'm the real "Greatest" in the HWF. Shawn: Hey man, you got me backin you. Which I'd like to ask you about. You want me in your corner come Suicide? Storm: I thought you'd never ask, SC...you know it. Shawn: Now about that fag Lance Sterling, and Sev.... [Before Collins can finish his sentence, "Debonaire" by Dope blasts over the Corner's speakers. Every person turns his or her head, including Collins, as the familiar revving of a motorcycle is heard. A second later, Lance Sterling, wearing his black biker jacket, drives right up and parks right in front of a stunned Collins. He dismounts and takes a seat as if nothing has happened.] Shawn: Lance Sterling... WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? Sterling: Whatever the hell I want to, monkey. Actually, I heard you were in town and I decided to crash this little party. [Storm stands up and gets in Sterling's face and stands nose to nose with him.] Sterling: And what the f*ck do YOU want? Storm: You got a lot of nerve stealing my thunder, loser. Sterling: Stealing your thunder? By the looks of it, BOY, you didnt have any thunder to begin with. So sit yourself down before you hurt yourself. Shawn: How about this... Storm, sit down. Sterling... get the F*CK off my show! Sterling: How about you MAKE me? Come on, bitch. You've wanted to get a piece of me for a long time, let's do this, right here and right now, so I can beat your ass on your own stupid show! Storm: Sterling, this is my time! Collins gave it to me, and if you know what's good for you, you'll back off. Sterling: If I know what's good for me...? Well, look who just happened to grow a set! If YOU know whats good for you, you'll shut the hell up. Shawn: Sterling, what the hell do you think you're accomplishing by coming here? And about beating my ass... that would result in suspension, so I dare you to try! Sterling: Hey, do I care? And what am I accomplishing? Simple... on Suicide you got yourself involved, and you decided to make a special stipulation... so since I don't trust you, I decided to drop in and find it out for myself. Storm: This I have to hear for myself...but Collins? Make it painful on Lance. [He smirks] Sterling: Hey, f*ck you! Shawn: Oh I'm sure Sterling will like these stips! Sterling: *sarcastically* The suspense is killing me.... Storm: These better be good, SC... Sterling: For once I agree with him. If these stips blow, Collins, you'll be sleeping with the fishes! Shawn: It will be a 2 part, 2 fall handicap match! With Sterling as the pinnacle of the 3-way "pyramid". Sterling: A what? Run that by me again. Shawn: A f*cking handicap three way match with 2 falls! [Storm pumps his fist and laughs.] Sterling: So.. I get to kick the shit out of both of them, twice? Storm: You'll be lucky to get past me in ONE fall! Sterling: Hah, that's gonna be the EASY one. Shawn: Not exactly, Sterling... you see... the FIRST fall, you will take on Jonathan Storm. Sterling: Fair enough... Shawn: BUT... J. Simon Rykopathe will be in the ring as well, and can do whatever he wants to you. Same goes for the second fall, when you face Rykopathe... for the HWF World Title! Sterling: Now THAT is my style. So after I get done beating this upstart rookie [motions towards Storm], I'll reclaim my HWF title from that overrated chump, Rykopathe! Storm: Well, that's if you MAKE it to Seven! Sterling: Oooh, you're a big man, aren't you? [Storm bum rushes Sterling and starts pounding on him repeatedly with lefts and rights. Storm then picks up Sterling, wraps him into a dragon sleeper. He quickly wraps his left leg around Sterling's right and drives him down onto the studio floor, landing the Bittersweet Symphony! Sterling rolls over and gets up on one knee. Very slowly, he staggers up and fixes his gaze right on Storm.] Sterling: You...you...I'LL KILL YOU! Storm: Bring it on, Lancey-Boy...because once Seven rolls around, you're going to find out just why I'm POP F'N PERFECTION! Sterling: And right now you're gonna find out why I'm YOUR WORST F*CKIN' NIGHTMARE! [Sterling leaps up and jumps on Storm, executing a perfect spear. Sterling tears into Storm with lefts and rights, all the while shouting profanities. Security separates Lance and Storm. 3 guards hold back Storm, and 4 on Sterling. They pick him up, and Collins smiles. He tells the guards to let go, Sterling turns around... and... Collins kicks him to the gut, and delivers a Downtown Connection pedigree!] Shawn: Now, get him the hell out of here! Sterling: [breathing heavily] You...you...f*ck you Collins! I'll get you for this!! Storm: You're a f*cking DEADMAN, Sterling! At Seven, you're a f*cking grease spot! Sterling: Yeah, right. Bring it on, you sucmf*ck! [Security holds both men, and takes them out to the back as we cut to commercial.] [Commercials.] Shawn: What the F*CK?! I can’t go one week without there being a brawl in my studio? Collins-damn it! I guess I’m going to announce the final match for Seven. The only title left to defend would be the Hardcore title, and Drake, our great President, has come up with a stipulation for the four men in that match. JD Brady, Mayhem, Renegade and Rage will fight in a Homicide Death Match for the Hardcore title! Drake left me a note that said “If people want to know what a Homicide Death Match is, check hwfppvs.tripod.com.” Well, you heard it. Go to hwfppvs.tripod.com as soon as this show is over, and check out the full card for SEVEN IN 2 WEEKS! Here’s my “Of The Week’s”, and I’m out. Laaaater!
Song Of The Week: The Bard’s Song (The Hobbit) – Blind Guardian [The scene fades out to the HWF Logo, and the Seven logo.]
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