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December 6, 2000

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[The scene fades into the HWF Commissioner Corner studio, as lightly over the background the song "Clubbed to Death" by Rob D is playing, the lights fade from black as a voice over is heard.]

Voice Over: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome the host of Commissioner's Corner - Your Canadian Commissioner, Shawn Collins!

[The crowd gives a lot of heat to the Commissioner; booing and yelling. Of course, he just smiles and waves to his hometown crowd like an ignorant fool.]

Shawn: Yeah, yeah. Keep squabbling. I fart in your general direction! Bwaaahahahahahaha!

[The crowd boos even more.]

Shawn: Whatever. I know you all love me.

[Shawn laughs again as the crowd gets rowdier.]

Shawn: Okay. Well, it is my duty to inform all of you of a few things before I bring out my special guest of the night. The first having to do with Michael Trey.

[The crowd pops like a can of carbonated monkeys waiting to pass gas.]

Shawn: You should all know by now that not only is Michael Trey a complete idiot, but on Saturday Suicide, he became a fried idiot! However, I have to inform you all that his doctor said that he could come back to the ring on Saturday. His assailant is still unknown. Hahahahahahaha! Too bad. The HWF is investigating... (bullshit...) the attack on last Suicide. The doctor said that “Michael Trey is about 75% healed after the severe stun gun attack on Saturday. The HWF should be looking into this matter. But Trey told me that he’s going to do a little investigation of his own.” Whatever. He’s still an etard, just like Lance Sterling and Jayson Starr. They all so reek of asswipedness! Speaking of injuries... TREY YOU SON OF A BITCH... After Suicide, my partner, Bisc Limpkit was med-flighted to a hospital near the Metro Center in Rockford Illinois. He seemed to have suffered severe brain trauma, and is now in a coma. He’s currently being sent to a specialty hospital where he will be looked after... paid for by the HWF management of course, and taken out of Michael Trey’s salary! Believe me, you won’t soon forget this. Remember Trey, I complete executive, creative and... constipative!! YEAH! Control over your solo wrestling career for the next 6 weeks. That’s right, not 6 months, 6 weeks. I read the contract wrong. But it’ll be a 6 weeks you’ll never forget! I’m gonna take you to hell and back. Cut to commercial.

[Commercials.]

Shawn: We’re back. Tonight, we have a guest who's fairly new to the HWF. He recently joined our roster, and has yet to make his wrestling debut. Mr. Jonathan Storm!

["Papercut" from Linkin Park begins to play as Jonathan Storm walks out, dressed in a fine gray t-shirt from Abercrombie and Fitch, with black cargo pants on. His trademark backwards Anaheim Angels cap is there, and he walks out hand in hand with his manager/wife, Casey "SunShine" Band. They both take a seat, as he shakes Shawn's hand.]

Storm: Thanks for taking the time to have me on your show. I wanted to get more familiar with the people here, so I canceled an autograph signing.

Band: Jonathan tends to have a busy schedule. They wanted him to perform his latest single at the Billboard awards, but due to his prior HWF commitments, he politely declined. His album has debuted on the charts at number 5, so he's rather happy so far.

Shawn: Hey, I never knew you were a singer! And don't worry about that autograph signing thing... those people don't need it! Tell me more about this singing career!

Storm: I was originally going to take some time off from the sport, after leaving the SWF, because my shoulder was ailing from a botched spot I took at their PPV. That didn't happen, because I got a call from my pal Brandon, who is the lead singer of Incubus. They played some local shows in Southern California, so I sat in as a bass player and backup singer, but one night, he let me take lead vocals for "Drive", "Stellar", and "Privilege". His label was at the show, and they asked me to work on an album, using Incubus as my backround band. I said I'd do the album, but I didn't want to do rock. I wanted to attract more people to the sport, and the HWF, so I decided to work on a pop album. I got copyrights to sing about five songs from NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys, plus one of my own writing, "Breakin' Down My Heart Over You". I even have my video set to debut on MTV next week.

Shawn: Well... aren't you the active one?

Band: Jonathan is very active in the music world lately, along with professional wrestling. He tries to do as much as his schedule allows.

Storm: Hey, I've gotta train for this sport sometime. I'm a serious entertainer and athlete, not some fake like Lance Sterling.

Shawn: Hey! Now you're talking! If there's one thing I love more than tearing apart Michael Trey's mind... it's making fun of Lance Sterling!

Storm: Michael Trey? Please. The guy couldn't book a match if his life depended on it. He didn't use me to my proper skill, and that's why I left the fed. Not to mention his girlfriend's looser than the nickel slots in Vegas.

[Shawn Collins falls off his chair in laughter.]

Storm: Relax, you look like you're about to go into cardiac arrest....not unlike Lance Sterling after one of his so called "five star matchups".

[Shawn finally gets up, slowly inhaling and exhaling to bring his heart rate back to normal. He takes a seat.]

Shawn: Folks, this guy knows what he's talking about! My God! I should give him his own spot on Suicide just to make fun of Sterling and Trey! Hahahaha! Good God man, that hurt my lungs. Anyways, let's talk about you and the HWF. How did you come to find our gracious federation?

Band: Jonathan knows Johnny Drake and Bisc Limpkit from previous associations in the SWF, and was brought here by them.

Storm: Not to mention I knew the Enigma. I beat the shit out of him once.

Shawn: Ahhh... the SWF. I was just about to debut there too! Remember at the pay per view? That ratings thing on the SWF-Tron? That was me, waiting to debut! Oh well... I got the HWF to concentrate on now!

Storm: No..I think I missed you on that. Besides, you guys sure know how to treat first class talent. The perks I got just for showing up today? Unbelievable.

Shawn: Speaking of talent. When are you going to give some of us a show of what you can do?

Storm: Well, this weekend, I'll be making my in-ring debut, showing you a small taste of my skills, but you're in luck, Sean-O. I happened to have brought a copy of my CD, entitled "The Perfect Storm", and I can sing my next single coming out, a version of NSYNC'S "It's Gonna Be Me".

Shawn: Well, would you look at that everyone? Not only is he a comedian, but he's our special musical guest for the night! Give him a round of applause!

[The crowd boos.]

Band: Mr. Collins, was Jonathan asked in advance to perform tonight?

Shawn: Umm... well... no. But I'm sure he can make an exception for his favourite Commissioner! Eh?

Storm: Ash, it's fine. Besides, these fine people in...[Whispers to Collins.] Where the hell are we?

Shawn: You're in my hometown... Toronto, Ontario, Canada...

Storm: Oh...[back to normal voice.] All these fine people in Toronto, Ontario want to hear "The New Pop Sensation" sing. If you could please cue up my music and hand me a mic...

Shawn: How about we save that until after we're done discussing your upcoming HWF career?

Storm: Works well with me, Shawn. So tell me...is everyone on this roster as untalented as Trey and Sterling, or am I going to have a real challenge?

Shawn: Well... I was thinking... how about I book you in a match for Suicide right now?

Storm: That's fine by me, Shawn. Tell me, how "qualified" is this guy?

Shawn: Actually, he's new here, just like you.

Band: New? You're not going to put this established superstar into the big picture right away?

Shawn: Well, this guy I want you to face is established in his own sense as well. He was with me back in the BAWF. A bit on the crazy side. But he knows what he's doing.

Storm: Is he anything like Lance Sterling in the lack of talent department?

Shawn: Well... he does carry a chainsaw around with him...

Storm: I'll take it. I'd rather carry around a lug with a chainsaw over a no-talent hack.

Shawn: Well then, it's official. Jonathan Storm will be facing Mayhem on Saturday Suicide!

Storm: About damn time, I say! Waiting for my debut was like listening to a Lance Sterling interview. Long, agonizing, and eventually, pointless.

Band: You forgot painful, or is that one of David Zakin's?

Shawn: Bwaaahahahahahaha! This guy so totally reeks of comedictudidness! Well, it ain't pointless anymore. Is it Jonnyboy?

Storm: Are you trying to kiss my ass, Shawn? Because if you are...keep going, I might even take out Trey and Sterling for you.

Storm: But if you ever call my Johnnyboy again... Let's just say your head will feel like it's watched 20 consecutive Lance Sterling interviews.

Shawn: Threaten me again, and I'll stick you in a match with Jayson Starr!

Storm: STARR?! Damn...the punishment isn't even worth the crime, thank you very much.

Band: Mr. Collins, Jonathan only wrestles the finest in the sport, not some mentally incompetent fool.

Shawn: Hey, I gotta fight fire with fire. He threatens me, I threaten him! It's only fair!

Storm: It's understandable, Shawn. I'll show you, and every single person in the audience in this great town of...[whispers] Where are we again?

Shawn: My hometown... Toronto!

Storm: I assure everyone, here in Toronto, that I will only wrestle the finest athletes in the finest matches, so you'll see nothing like those second rate morons Starr, Sterling, and Trey.

Shawn: Hahahahaha! Well... I'd like to hear some more opinions on different wrestlers in the HWF. How about I give you some names, and you tell me what you think?

Storm: Sure, Shawn...this should be fun, right Ash?

Band: Jonathan, I already KNOW your opinions...he told me last night, Shawn. Jonathan can be quite...vocal.

[She grins and kisses his cheek.]

Shawn: Alright, David Zakin.

Storm: Zakin? Well, he's a good talent, if you're into that gimpy sort of thing. I recently saw an interview where he cried over all his attackers being in masks or hood. Take the seran wrap off your d*ck and get over it. I could beat him.

Shawn: Hahaha! Well, how about the World Champion, and a friend of mine - Blackjack.

Blackjack? Well, he's a champion for a reason. Very good, and probably one of the best talents in the HWF. If I could pick any guy to team with in the HWF right now, it's him. I'm sure a match between myself and him would set a new standard.

Shawn: Probably, who knows? What do you say about the Anti-Heroes?

Storm: Wow. Trevor Lasek is the CRAZIEST son of a bitch I know, but....

Band: [Cutting Jonathan off.] Before he can continue this speech, I can sum it up. He has the utmost respect for J. Simon Rykopathe, Vic Williams, and Mr. Lasek, but he despises hardcore, so the respect isn't that high.

Shawn: Insomnia?

Storm: Hmm...he's the epitome of what's wrong with the HWF. All too involved in Hardcore. I think it's because he has no real skills. You can't deny that he's good at hurting people though.

Shawn: How about those kids in Teen Angst?

Storm: Good heads on their shoulders. Only one of them is gonna break out. You know...each team has one franchise player? My guess is that one in this team is Chris Thrilla. I mean, Spike is wasting your money, sitting at home, Collins!

Shawn: Hmm... it's not my money to waste! I'm getting paid! Ahahahaha!

Band: Well, if I negotiate well, do you think we can add some extra zero's to Jonathan's salary? More specifically, towards the end?

Shawn: Talk to me about that later! Well, Jonathan... I gotta wrap this up. But I have a question for you...

Storm: Sure, anything for the greatest commish in the universe!

Shawn: What kind of match do you want with Mayhem this Saturday?

I want a "Wrestling Clinic" match. I want to show people what real wrestling is all about. You must win by making your opponent submit once, and then you must pin him.

Shawn: You know what? I like that... I like it a lot. But, I'm going to make a slight change to it.

Storm: And that is?

Shawn: There will be a pole on two corners of the ring. Each poll will have a weapon on it. That is the only stipulation.

[Storm gets out of his chair in complete shock.]

Storm: You want me to use a weapon?!!?!?!?!?

Band: This is outrageous!!! This was NOT in his contract, Collins!

Shawn: Actually, Storm... once you signed on with the HWF, a requirement in the contract states that the H in HWF stands for Hard To The Fucking Core! And that means, we can set you up in any kind of match... whenever we like!

[Storm gets this crybaby look in his face as Casey Band runs to hug him.]

Storm: Okay, Collins...but this is only because you and I have a mutual disliking for Sterling and Trey. And when I beat Mayhem, you'll see that I really am THE NEW POP SENSATION!

Shawn: Hang on... you haven't heard what's in it for you yet!

[Storm perks up as Casey moves closer to Collins.]

Band: Really?

Shawn: I'm sure you'll like this one Ms. Band... it includes more "zero's"...

Storm: What are you waiting for? Spill it!

Shawn: I think that word speaks for itself.

Storm: I want better. I want a shot at Sterling or Trey. At the Pay Per View.

Band: You give us that...hell, we'll put someone through a table.

[Shawn just looks at Storm.]

Shawn: I guess you can do your song now, we're just about done here!

[He grins.]

Storm: That I can...now HIT MY MUSIC!

[The music to N’Sync's "It's Gonna Be Me" cues in the background as Storm starts to sing. The scene fades out.]

[Commercials.]

Shawn: Yeah, welcome back. I’m just going to give you my “Personal” of the weeks. Why? Cause I don’t feel like talking about wrestling anymore. I was just talking on the phone with Bisc’s doctor. He ain’t getting any better. Fucking Trey... So that’s all for the week. I’m out of here. I’ll see you on Suicide where I’ll announce who Trey’s opponent for the night will be as well.

Song Of The Week: Happy Happy Joy Joy - Ren And Stimpy!

Movie Of The Week: X-Men

Game Of The Week: Lucasarts’ Escape From Monkey Island

Anime Of The Week: Inu Yasha

Wrestler Of The Week: Lance... Ahhh! You thought I would say Sterling, eh? No! Jonathan Storm. Hahahaha!

Quote Of The Week: “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”